You Must Remove It

Seriously, we couldn't

I am currently selling a pair of snowboard boots on Facebook Marketplace. You might remember my feelings about FBM from back in September when I sold one of our cars. I’ve been using the app for years and I still manage to get amazed by the people who message me. If you are ever having a little too much faith in humanity and find yourself hopeful that we might get out of this thing in one piece, you can temper your expectations greatly by selling something on FBM.

Recently – in addition to dealing with the large number of what can logically only be primates that stole a cell phone and pushed the “Hi, is this available?” button – I am increasingly amazed by the Facebook algorithm that is “controlling?” what it thinks I might want to see.

I rarely shop for things on FBM, so I would assume the algorithm would be showing me items for sale based on the kind of things I normally sell. That does not seem to be the case.

For example, let’s look at the item that popped up in my feed the other day right as I was finishing up messaging with someone or something named “Tand” about the snowboard boots.

“As you can see from the description, they are men’s size 11, so I really have no way of knowing if they will fit your ten-year-old daughter, but I’m guessing… probably not…?”

Absolutely on pins and needles about Tand’s impending reply, I backed out of the chat to come face to face with the thing that the Facebook Skynet AI Logarithmic Amalgamator thinks I want more than anything in my life:

YES!! How did you know, Facebook AI?? I asked and asked for a Commercial Safe Door for Christmas, but Santa just couldn’t come through for me. This is perfect!

It’s hard for me to nail down what I love most about this totally normal and sane FBM item. Is it the automatic $1,500 discount that I get on this sweet, like-new safe door, even before I get a chance to read the description? Maybe.

Is it the fact that it’s so nearby? I mean, it’s only three miles away! I probably won’t even need to rent a U-Haul since it’s so close. I can just borrow my buddy’s pickup.

No, I think it’s the poetic simplicity of the description that really won me over.

Commercial safe door

You must remove it

I mean, what more could a potential buyer want to know than that right there? Our intrepid FBM safe door seller summed it all up without one single unnecessary word.

The two other pictures he included do all the talking for him:

Well, now, come to think of it, after reviewing these extra photos the seller generously provided, along with that Pulitzer of a description, I’m finding myself with maybe one or two small questions…

For starters, it appears that someone already spent at least two or three minutes trying to remove it near the handle, either with a pneumatic jack hammer or a small grenade. Did they run into any problems I should know about, or did they just run out of grenades?

And I’m assuming this safe door is inside of what used to be a bank? Or is the bank still operating and just doesn’t need a safe anymore?

Or are they keeping the safe, but just want to get a new door?

And I’m not an expert on bank safes by any means, but I have to assume that when you build a bank, you put the big walk-in vault in place first, then build the bank around it. Will the bank be OK with me removing the building first to get the safe door out?

And are there any restrictions on my removal method? Do I need to go the jack hammer and crane route, or can I use nitroglycerin like in the old west movies? That seems faster and substantially more fun.

Am I under any time constraints? If the bank is still in operation, can I get a key to the front door so I can work off hours? This looks like a big job, and bankers’ hours aren’t going to cut it, especially if I’m going to need to remove part of the bank roof for my crane access. Actually, never mind on the key. I’ll just come in and out through the roof hole.

And what about the wall that the door is in? I’m not planning on doing any repairs to the wall once I get my door, and the hole I leave could be a number of different sizes and shapes depending on which door removal route I go with.

Come to think of it, do you even want the wall after the door is gone? Maybe I change my whole approach here and just take the entire wall, door and all. I’ll probably need to remove more roof for that.

Speaking of that new plan, I’m also not planning on putting any of the roof back on when I’m done. That’s on you.

Man, I’ll tell you one thing – the more I think about this safe door, the more I want it. I think I’ll message the seller right now and get some of these questions answered.

Let me just take a second to get into Facebook Marketplace Buyer Mode… OK, I’m ready to text…

“I give you 500 cash right now for this item. You deliver please?”

Perfect. He should message me back any second.

See you soon,

-Smidge

Now I need some guidance from the smartest people on planet Earth, our paid subscribers…