This was originally posted back in November during the poorly executed government shutdown, but I had another wildly disappointing TSA Pre experience this morning, so I had no choice but to get this back into circulation in hopes that the currently operating government will finally take my advice. I will be on this plane patiently holding my breath. (Mainly because of the personal hygiene failures of my row mates). Fly safe out there, and remember, soap and deodorant should not be considered optional.
I have flown Southwest twice in the last few weeks, which means I have not only eaten my weight in cinnamon graham cracker bites and Maui monk mini pretzel braids, I have also gone through TSA four times.
I’m not here today to bemoan the travel backups that are apparently occurring because of the government shutdown. I’m actually a huge fan of the concept of government shutdowns. Unfortunately, as with 99% of what our government does, they do them wrong.
A proper government shutdown would be a continuation of services with everything except the actual government. You want to have a government shutdown, Washington D.C.? Great! You all go home and stop paying yourselves. (And please feel free to not come back.) Everyone else will carry on.
(Fun fact: When polled, only 23% of Senators and Representatives thought something was “a little off” with this picture, and only 6% of them found any spelling or grammar errors.)
No, what I’m here today to bemoan, other than my powerlessness over the Southwest snack menu, is TSA PreCheck. It’s very affordable and easy to get.
I initially thought those were good things, but now I realize they are a problem.
TSA PreCheck is too easy to get, and too affordable.
It began just fine. The professional business travelers got it right away, because they jumped at the chance to not have to put their laptops in a separate bin, and they could leave their toothpaste in the suitcase.
Things started eroding when TSA PreCheck decided to allow you to bring your children with you through the fast lane, even if they aren’t signed up. Horrible idea! TSA Pre was never supposed to have strollers. That’s what TSA Regular is for.
Then at some point, the word got out to the Regulars about how easy and affordable TSA Pre was to obtain, provided you aren’t a felon. Felons still have to go through TSA Regular with the all the strollers as part of their continued penance for being malcontents, rehabilitated or not.
Simply not being a convicted felon is obviously not stringent enough criteria, because we’re now seeing far too many folks coming through TSA Pre because they want the shorter line, but lacking the basic capacity to keep that line moving efficiently, and therefore, short.
It looks like this now:
OK, maybe not that bad, but nonetheless, I am officially proposing an overhaul to the TSA PreCheck application and continued eligibility process:
1) Initial Eligibility
In addition to the FBI background check, if you have over 3 speeding tickets in one year, or you have a record of driving under the speed limit in front of me, or you have asked to speak to the manager more than three times in the last month, you are ineligible.
2) Cost
It’s currently only about $75 to get it, and that lasts for five years. Five years! And the renewal is even cheaper. Now, I never want more of my money going to the government when they won’t even shut themselves down with everything else, but this definitely needs to be more expensive to weed out the tourists.
Let’s start with $100 per year, and see how that goes. The increase in revenue will be mandated to go to charity.
3) Mock Checkpoint Test
Part of the initial application process will be a mock TSA station where you will be graded on speed and efficiency.
Full water bottle in your carry-on? Try again next year.
Asking the TSA officer if you need to take your shoes off? Sorry, TSA Regular it is.
“Carry-on” suitcase won’t fit through the scanner? Lifetime ban.
Never heard of a “Real ID?” Lifetime travel ban. Not even a bus.
4) Strollers
None. Ever. Period.
5) Continued Eligibility
Every three years you will be required to go back through the Mock Checkpoint Test. If you pass, but your score falls below your previous one, your score point difference represents how many months you have to use TSA Regular before getting your Pre back.
6) Real-time Airport Surveillance
Facial recognition software will track your actual TSA PreCheck efficiency at all US airports to flag problematic travelers and trigger earlier Mock Checkpoint Test requirements. You will not be penalized for that person in front of you who will surely lose their Pre status this round. The magic of AI technology will be used to make sure the whole system runs flawlessly.
7) Veterans and Active-Duty Military
None of the above applies. Thank you for your service.
As soon as everyone gets back from the shutdown, I’m assuming they’ll get right on these changes.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Now we need to hear from our phenomenal paid subscribers, who would all have free lifetime TSA PreCheck if it was up to me…