I have spent the last three days driving through four states and back with Son Number Three. But three of those states were Nevada, Eastern Oregon, and Idaho, so from a lack of scenery metric, that is equivalent to a 28-state drive.
In just under a month he’s heading to Boise State University, home of the Fighting Potato Growers… sorry, no, that’s the University of Idaho… home of the Broncos and the infamous Smurf Turf.
If you are unfamiliar, Boise State was either the first, or at least one of the first schools to decide that artificial turf didn’t necessarily need to be green just because it was a substitute for actual turf, which is almost always green, except for the Diamondbacks outfield at Chase Field. Boise State was definitely the first school to decide that artificial turf could be such an obnoxious shade of electric blue that it would hurt your eyes to watch a game on a high-def TV.
The Boise State blue is the obnoxious color that it is because the university is basically owned by the Albertson’s grocery store company, so they were contractually obligated to use one of the blues from their logo, but is unclear why they chose to intensify it to the point that you wish you were looking at it through a welding helmet.
On top of the nuclear blue, in an inexplicable color pairing decision, possibly fueled by an unfortunate pairing of Blue Hawaiian and Electric Tangerine Boones Farm wine at a planning retreat, they went with one of the most offensively-bright oranges ever seen by man.
Anyway, enough about why I don’t own any Boise State shirts or hats even though two-thirds of my boys go there. What I want to talk about today is how their ridiculousness when it comes to school colors pales in comparison to the university’s sheer audacity when it comes to my money.
Yesterday was the second time I have sat through the incoming freshman and family presentation put on by the school. The first time I gave BSU the benefit of the doubt that maybe they just hadn’t fully vetted the nice young lady’s speech, or maybe she got public speaking nerves and veered off topic.
Two years ago, my wife and I sat at a table in the opening main session with Son Number Two, listening to a student ambassador tell all the incoming freshmen that they should not be afraid to change their majors as many times as needed to feel super-duper warm and fuzzy about their college experience. Our son knows us, so he was already smirking when he turned to see us shaking our heads at him and giving him parental sign language that meant “Yeah, right! You only get the ONE major, so choose wisely.”
I left that first session thinking there was no way the university consciously planned to send that message of total educational waffle-town to my child.
I was apparently wrong.
Different ambassador this year, but the exact same message. Change majors early and often until you are all fluffy and perfectly content with your happy little cozy college life.
Um, no. Four years of tuition, pal. No more. (And hopefully no less, unless it’s because you’re graduating early!)
And then, both years now, after the freshmen went off with their leaders to tour the campus and meet with their advisors, us parents were invited to a number of different sessions, most notable of which was the chance to chat with the Boise State University Foundation about the many exciting philanthropy opportunities available to us to donate money to the school.
Hmm… I thought I was already sending you a substantial amount of money…? Didn’t you just give me a two-page handout, outlining the “total cost” for supporting the football coaching salary burden… sorry, I mean for tuition? And did you not hear me choke and spit my drink when my wife pointed out that the amounts were per semester, and not per year?
I think I’ll hold off for now and just concentrate on figuring out how to pay for eight total years of tuition here first. But I do want to support the school somehow. I think I’m going to get online now and see about getting some football tickets for this fall…
Let look at some pricing… We won’t get too crazy… Let’s look at upper level, home side… HOLY WHAT!?!? Is that per year? No?
Dear Boise State University Foundation,
I know the old saying goes, “If you think educations is expensive, you should try ignorance,” but at these prices, ignorance is starting to look pretty affordable. Either way, you may kindly stick your “philanthropy opportunities” where the turf don’t shine, if you know what I mean. All my best. Go Broncos!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Now let’s hear from the real college all-stars of this Substack, our amazing paid subscribers…
Hysterical! They call it empty nest, but it’s more like empty wallet! Hope he has a great time. Enjoy the quiet if you can get used to it!