The Birthday

No, the other one

Today, December 24th, is a very special day for the world. A day of great celebration and anticipation.

It’s my wife’s birthday.

Having a December 24^th birthday is a double-edged sword for my wife. On the one hand, she was born, so that was a huge win. On the other hand, for her whole life she has basically been sharing her celebration with an arguably much more important birth – of course, that of Ryan Seacrest.

Sorry, no… Jesus.

For me, marrying into a December 24^th birthday was a little bit of a learning curve. My wife takes her birthday far more seriously than I take mine. For example, I never actually remember how old I am. I always have to do the year math. And for my birthday, I would be happy if the whole thing consisted of someone bringing me a pizza, with or without a candle on it.

My wife, on the other hand, requires a little more fuss for her birthday, but please do not get me wrong, here. I am in NO WAY implying that she is high maintenance. She is quite the opposite, actually. By societal standards, she hardly requires any birthday fuss at all, but she does require a few specific things.

I can’t be sure, but I think at least some of these requirements stem from an unfortunate childhood core memory, when one year her birthday was slightly misplaced due to some overbearing in-laws staying at the house for Christmas and the general stress of the holiday hosting hustle and bustle on her overworked and underappreciated mother, which, as a parent myself, is completely understandable, and I am in no way casting any blame or daring to even question the circumstances of the unfortunate event that involved my wife’s wonderful mother, who is still with us, quite sharp, beautiful as ever, staying with us for the holidays, and happens to read this column.

I wanted to share my wife’s birthday requirements with the world today, in case there are any new relationships budding out there that might need this important advice. Again, please don’t get me wrong. I would never suggest that the day of someone’s birth should ever influence your choice in life partners - I’m merely pointing out some challenges that can arise when you celebrate Christmas and also happen to be married to a Christmas Eve baby.

For instance, I found out the hard way that wrapping her birthday gift with Christmas paper is not OK at all, even if it was all you could find, and you legitimately have no idea where to buy wrapping paper because it has always just been in the closet.

Also, wrapping her gift with Christmas paper that is facing the other way, so the white side with the handy square grid lines is showing, does not count as birthday paper. In fact, it seemed to count against me more for some reason.

And you can forget about combining gifts if you want to stay married. It doesn’t matter how expensive the gift you want to get her might be, there is no such thing as a combo birthday/Christmas gift. There must always be at least two separate gifts of similar value, and probably more than two if you want to see her naked again any time soon.

You must also separate the day into two different events. Obviously, she understands that December 24^th will always be Christmas Eve, but there must be a distinctly separate birthday portion – and that portion should be a lot like my kind of cake slice – the bigger piece – that is dedicated only to birthday activities and birthday language, and decorated exclusively for the birthday, with no overlapping Christmas theme.

And speaking of cake, there better be one. A plate of assorted Christmas cookies with a candle is basically a death wish.

Once again, please don’t get me wrong. I am in no way complaining here. I am simply attempting to impart helpful information to the singles out there. I am also counting my blessings today.

For starters, I was lucky enough to get married to my amazing wife, and for another, she was not born on actual Christmas day.

I can’t even imagine what that would be like.

Merry Christmas, y’all, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, baby!

-Smidge

Now, I could really use some advice from the smartest people in the world, our paid subscribers…