An Open Letter to the Duracell Battery Company

Apologies are owed

Dear Duracell,

You have let me down, not only as a battery consumer, but as a father, and you owe some people apologies.

This past weekend, my whole family was together and we were changing the battery in my mom’s Subaru key fob. (Only one of us was changing the battery – we did not all get together for that express purpose.)

Son Number Two, being nineteen and therefore knowing everything there is to know in the whole world, snagged the dead fob out of my hand as I began to Google How do you open a 2018 Subaru key fob to change the battery?

“Gimme that. I know how to open them, Dad.”

“Yes, I know you know your way to open small plastic objects, but I was hoping we could put it back together when we were through.”

Miraculously, he used a small screwdriver to pry it open semi-gently instead of his normal percussion method. Good start.

I then cautioned him to note which way the battery was facing before he took it out, but the battery was out before I could start the sentence. Back to Google.

I then cautioned him to make sure he got a battery out of Nana’s cupboard battery stash that had the same four-digit number. He assured me that he knew all about how lithium coin batteries work, but I can guarantee you he thought the big 2032 on the Duracell packaging was the expiration date.

I wasn’t fishing around in Nana’s battery stash with him, so I don’t know if the first Duracell CR2032 lithium coin battery he tried was still unopened in the blister pack of two, but when it went back into the fob – the correct direction – the fob still didn’t work.

Now, keep in mind during this story that the kitchen counter car fob battery replacement work area was on the third floor of my mom’s condo, and the actual car was not, because the condo hallways just aren’t that wide. The car was four stories below the kitchen in the concrete parking garage, so testing any “new” battery changes required a little bit of a hike.

After catching my breath, we went back to work on the fob, this time removing the second brand new Duracell CR2032 from its secure blister pack home and putting it in the fob.

Back down to the basement I went, and do you know what didn’t happen when I pushed the fob buttons? Lights and beeps from the Subaru – that’s what didn’t happen.

Since I had just witnessed with my own eyes the unpackaging of a brand new Duracell brand battery, I immediately took “bad battery” off my mental fob troubleshooting list.

Back up in the kitchen I began Googling things like Do I need to re-pair my 2018 Subaru Outback remote with the car after changing the battery? And then when I got a whole bunch of results about what happens when you replace the car’s battery, I reworded my search.

As I was reading the owner’s manual and trying to squint enough to read the tiny serial numbers on the printed circuit board inside the fob for some kind of NASA-level re-pairing operation, Son Number Two says, “What if that other battery was just bad?”

It was at this point in the two-hour fob ordeal that should have taken two minutes that I looked at my son and stood up for you, Duracell Battery Company. I had already read the package and noted that is said “Best if used by 2023,” but we are barely into 2026, and these were Duracells, for Pete’s sake.

“Not possible,” I said to my son, on your behalf. “These are Duracells. They don’t sell bad batteries and they don’t just die in the packaging. These are not some el-cheapo craptastic Chinese batteries like you would buy.”

(Some members of the family have alleged that I called him an “idiot” during this conversation, or that I insinuated in some way that he was idiotic, but both of those allegations are patently false.)

After further re-pairing research and just general screwing around with the fob, I happened to notice a tiny little red LED light in the top corner of the fob flash on ever-so-briefly when I pushed one of the buttons. It was at that point that I realized the fob had a red LED indicator light that was supposed to come on whenever a button was pushed.

Well, OK, I thought. We have a few more batteries, so just for funsies let’s try another one and see if that LED light does anything different.

There were no more Duracell options for the CR2032 in the battery stash, so I opened up the blister pack of the CVS brand craptastic Chinese batteries. I think it might have even been spelled “bateries” on the packaging.

Do you know what happened when I put one of those in the fob? Red LED indicator light just as bright as can be on every single button push.

And do you know what happened when I went down to the garage for the THIRD TIME in the fob-o-rama? Yes, lots of beeps, lights, and doors locking and unlocking on the Subaru.

And do you know what happened when I came up from the garage and reported the news that you, the Duracell company, had failed us all? That’s right – instead of the shock and betrayal I was feeling, Son Number Two began to gloat – quite loudly – that he was right.

And do you know what happens when Son Number Two begins to gloat about being right? Yes, his two brothers join in the gloating – even though they had absolutely nothing to do with anything.

And do you have any inkling about how annoying it is for teenage boys to be right about something their father said?

I don’t think you do!

Being as the boy was actually right, the whole family thinks that I owe him an apology.

You and you alone, Duracell Battery Company, have failed us all, miserably, and you have placed me squarely in the position I’m in. I am writing today to get that overdue apology from you so that it may be delivered to him.

I expect to hear from you immediately, because he was right and he definitely deserves an apology!

See you soon,

-Smidge

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